PART 2:
FUCK QUASIMOTO … I WANT MY DAMN UNICORN!
The Player
If you read my dating story
about little “Peso,” then you know I have encountered this type. He was
obviously a Player, just not a good one. I have to admit that I too early on
had fallen victim to Players.
This type of man has one
goal and one goal only, and that is to get the f*ck off. (Shoot his load!
Blow his wad! I think you get it.) He may actually be fun in bed, and you
will think he is amazing for giving you one hell of an “O,” but do not attempt
to cage and date this man. (He could also turn out to be a 10-second man.
Beware!) This man is not mature enough to commit and may never get to that
point.
The Player comes in all
ages. He knows how to sweet talk. He knows which buttons to push. He will speak
a lot about wanting to commit. Listen to your gut, my friend, and stay clear of
this type. We all fall victim to The Player at some point, and looking back we
knew all along he wasn’t the one. He talks a big game. Many of us have been
caught in the sea of possibility, and we drift away from the shore of reality.
Once you realize, if you do, you’d better yank the f*ckin’ rope to your little
engine and get your boat back to shore.
I say this to those of you
who are actually out to find love and a mate. If, though, you know what he is
and accept the limits of this one-night relationship, then God bless you, and I
hope it turns out to be one hot night! I never said sex with The Player was
wrong, but you need to be on the same page for this to not turn out negatively.
With time you will be able to spot these men with ease.
The Douchebag
In 2001 I met a muscular,
tall, handsome guy with olive complexion, and I will call Douche-Trick. This
guy was the clinical definition of a Douche, but because I was newly out, I let
it go on for a little while. He talked about himself all of the time and rarely
asked me anything. He wanted to get off but was not attentive in return. When
he would go out with my friends and I, he would whisper things to me like, “I
am only here because you want me to be here.” What it came down to was that he
wanted arm candy, and I was top of the line from that department. I ended that
shit right after he kept sighing loudly from boredom at a friend’s show that we
attended. (Even naive Colbs didn’t play like that.)
This “man” is easy to spot.
From the moment you step into this date you will know that this man has a lot
of growing up to do. He is all about himself, and you are just a guest in his
world. We all could end up dating this guy for a while because of our low
self-esteem or we try and overlook his shortcomings.
If you date this man, you
will end up annoyed, and it will end. This break up is not usually a nice one.
All of the rage and resentment will come out, but The Douchebag doesn’t
understand any flaws that exist in him. You get even more p*ssed off because he
says something brilliant like, “You’re not even my type.” (After a month of
dating.)
We all know him. This is a
date where escaping out the window in the bathroom or calling a friend to
rescue you is perfectly acceptable ... let him dwell alone in his self-centered
pool of douche slop.
The Puppy Dog
Oh, the Puppy Dog boys. My
pet, “Fido,” was a very nice guy. Fido was sweet and attentive, and he was very
eager. I knew we had issues when his friends came up to me at a bar after date
two and they referred to me as their friend’s new boyfriend. The final straw
was when he said, “I love you,” on date three. That sh*t had to be snipped in
the bud! Fido was sent to the pound.
The Puppy Dog appears to be
perfect, at first. You may find his dotting behavior and compliments to be
endearing. He is so nice to be around because you feel like a Queen. (Heeey!)
Then you realize he is following you around on his leash of codependence. The
Puppy Dog needs to sprout a pair before he is datable.
This type is usually
identified after spending a little bit of time with him. The break up process
can be messy as hell. It is usually emotional and may take several firm “NOs”
before he gets that it’s over. He will then go the complete opposite end of the
spectrum (Cujo) and demand things like the 12 mixed CDs he made you in
seven days have to be returned. My advice is you FedEx that sh*t back and
change your number.
P.S. His friends will also
hate you because you “hurt” their friend. Boo hoo!
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