THE WORLD IS SAD & WHAT'S NEXT?

I woke up this morning, and I grabbed my journal. I am not a writer and I am NOT a poet, but I had to write something. 

I see the news, almost daily anymore, and there is so much tragedy, and I can't process it. I also learned of a friend's passing, and I can't process that. 

I can only imagine what the loved ones of those the world has lost are going through and feeling. I don't pray, but they are on my thoughts, and I wish them peace.

QUESTIONS

This morning I woke up, and I remembered that you are gone.

How can that be?

Where did you go?

I didn’t get a chance to say good-bye.

This morning I woke up, and I had so many questions.

Why did this happen?

What could I have done?

I didn’t know that yesterday would be our last day together. 

This morning I woke up, and I realized that I was all cried out.

What do I do now?

How do I go forward?

I won’t have the chance to hug you before you go to sleep. 

This morning I woke up, and I stepped into a new life.

What am I to do?

Where am I supposed to go?

I don’t want to do this alone, and I want answers to my questions. 

Tonight I am going to get into bed, and I will still have questions.

What happens next?

Will I ever see you again?

I don’t want to hurt anymore, but the hurt reminds me that you were real. 

Tonight I am going to go to sleep, and I hope you join me in a dream.

Can you tell me if you are safe?

Can you tell me if there is something after this life?

I don’t think I’m as strong as you are, and the questions haunt me.

Tomorrow I will wake up, and you will still be gone.

Did you know that I loved you?

Were you happy?

I won’t let myself melt away, because tomorrow I live for you. 

I will live for us both.

I AM MAKING A DECLARATION!!

I know that my passion is making people laugh and entertaining people, and I love creating other people. 

I must go back to pursuing what I came here to do!

Now...let's see what I come up with...

WHAT IF I DON'T WAKE UP "ME" NEXT TIME?

Last night I had a dream that I woke up with facial paralysis after my incident with the blood clots. 

In reality I did not have facial paralysis. One side was some what numb for a few months, and my sensation when touching things with my fingers was diminished, but I woke up ME. I was a some what broken version, but it was still me. I still remember most of my time recuperating, and all of the things that were said to me, done to me, etc.  

Once in a while I have a dream, like last night, and it reminds me that maybe next time, since they can't tell me what triggered it, I won't wake up ME. 

This brings up questions that only I can answer for myself. What would I do? How would life go on? Who would stay by my side if it was that severe? 

I hope I never have to find out. I woke up "Me," but something doesn't feel the same. I know that this journey is not over, and I know one day I will face it again, but for the time being I am working out what I need to work out. 

I am on a journey to find Me and what I am suppose to do in this world.

BLEEDING AND READY FOR CHANGE...

This is what happens when a person is on blood thinners, and their shoes cut into the back of their ankles after a 10 minute walk.

I am sick of the path life has taken me on the last 2 years, so I think I need to take control of things, and show life how it's done.

I have my "To Do" list and I am ready to start checking. Finding my bliss is one of the items, and I intend on getting there.

WHICH GOONIES CHARACTER WOULD YOU BE?

Today's Early Morning Bedroom Cinema played 

"The Goonies."

This 80's classic is one of my favorite movies EVER! These kid actors put so many others to shame. ("Shame, shame! We know your name!" - Chunk)

The question of the day is ... Which Goonie would you be?

HOT PIECE OF ASS!??

This morning I woke up, and it was 5:40 AM. 5:40 AM! That is some bullshit. That is night time, but I was awake.

So, in addition to a work out, I watched "Pretty In Pink." I am going through this love affair with the 80's. It doesn't get much better than Molly Ringwald.

It's funny what we thought was "hot" back then. Some of the guys that were the heart throbs, would not be the "studs" today. Would I bone them...yeah, but not my first choice.

I will say that when you watch movies from the 80's you are entertained. It was a simpler time, and good clean fun. I love it! Let's bring the 80's back in a big way. I need a fuckin' "Breakfast Club" reunion. They all need work. I'm just saying. 

Let's bring it all back!

JUST SAY NO ... TO MOWING THE LAWN!

The Colbs will no longer be mowing the lawn. 

(For a while.)

I want to be the man that my niece and nephews can always be proud off, and I had a moment last night that made me realize I needed to strive for more.

Done. Enough said. 

Side note ... though I love technology, I hate it just as much. 

Night.

BRANDON. THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.

Before I moved to Los Angeles, I was seeing a guy in Seattle. His name was Brandon, and he looked a lot like the guy in the picture above.

Brandon was "Bi" and he is now married to a woman. (I believe.) He was sweet, affectionate, open to meeting the right person (not man or woman), and was just coming out as "Bi." 

He didn't know how into him I was, but I was moving, so it ran it's course. It was short lived, but I always wished I could have seen where things would have went with him.

Whenever I think about him...butterflies. 

MY APOLOGIZES.

I have to apologize for my mood yesterday.

I was in a mood, and I put it out there for all to read, and to, possibly, be affected by, and that is not appropriate of me to do on a holiday. Or, any day. 

I hope everyone had a lovely holiday, and next time I will keep it classy and not so brassy and honest. 

Happy Fuckin' Thanksgiving To Me!

I am going to be real. I am in a fuckin' mood.

It is Thanksgiving, and I don't have the plans that I thought I might. So, fuck the holidays. Two years in a row I have been on my own during the holidays. They have become just another day now. 

I love when one is alone on the holiday, and you just wait for the call from family. I LOVE them all, and LOVE talking to family and friends any other day, but when you're alone on a holiday...the call is just annoying. Yes please! Since no one came to see me, let me hear about how you all are spending the day and having a big dinner. Then I get passed from person to person, because it would mean a lot to each of them. So yes, again, I'm alone, but let me brighten all of your days and remind me I am alone, as I have to say it to each of them as they take their turns. 

 Happy Thanksgiving to me!

Again, I love my family and friends, but when one is in a mood and alone on a big holiday, again, you just want to be left alone. I have TV to watch and snacks to be eaten.

I hope everyone enjoys their holiday, but Colbs is in a mood. 

PS I think my fuckin computer is dying, so that is peachy!

COMFY CLOTHES FOR 4 DAYS??

Let's be real ... this man looks very comfy.

So, I am off for the holiday from Thursday until Monday morning. Is it wrong to want to jump into my comfy clothes for 4 days and keep it low key?

Thoughts?

Happy Pre-Thanksgiving!

I NEED NEW HOBBIES. I NEED SOMETHING...

So bored...

I need new hobbies and things to do. I need to break my routine. 

GOOD FRIENDS AND GOOD FOOD! I WON BITCHES!!!

Today I took home the victory in the Savory Contest at The Bowers' Fall Dinner. I also made a tasty dessert that many enjoyed.

I am not a cook, but I can follow a recipe. Thank you Mom for sending this one my way.

Try it out:

Asparagus and Cheese Tart

Ingredients

• 1 pound asparagus, trimmed
• 1 sheet frozen puff pastry (about 1/2 pound), thawed
• All-purpose flour, for dusting
• 1 cup grated fontina cheese (about 3 ounces)
• 1 cup grated comte or gruyere cheese (about 3 ounces)
• 1 tablespoon minced shallot
• 2 large egg yolks
• 3 tablespoons whole milk
• 1/8 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
• Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper
• 2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 1/2 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest

Directions

Fill a large bowl with ice water. Bring about 1 inch of water to a boil in a 
large skillet. Add the asparagus; cook until bright green and crisp-tender, 
2 to 5 minutes, depending on the thickness of the asparagus. Drain and 
transfer to the ice water to stop the cooking; drain and pat dry. Preheat the 
oven to 400 degrees F.

Roll out the puff pastry into a 10-by-16-inch rectangle on a floured surface. 
Transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet and prick all over with a fork. 
Bake until light golden brown, about 12 minutes. Let cool slightly on the 
baking sheet.

Meanwhile, mix the fontina, comte, shallot, egg yolks, milk, nutmeg and 
a pinch each of salt and pepper in a bowl until combined. Spread the cheese 
mixture evenly over the puff pastry, leaving a 1-inch border on all sides. 
Toss the asparagus with the olive oil, 1/4 teaspoon salt, and pepper to taste. 
Arrange the asparagus on the tart and bake until the cheese mixture is slightly 
puffy, 15 to 20 minutes. Sprinkle with the lemon zest. Serve warm or at room
temperature. 

MARRIAGE PHOTOS OF THE FUTURE & FUCKIN' CAKE!

I have said to people that I want my future wedding to be all black (to go with my ring that will be black diamonds), with splashes of color and texture, but mostly black. I want it to be high end and all fashion, and even the guests will be asked to put on major Ritz!

I want something like this TV ad of the cast of "The Vampire Diaries," but less dark, and different scenery. 

Tomorrow is the Bowers' Annual Fall Dinner and this year I am trying my skills out as a cook.

I am making a special savory tart and a cake. I am not sure how this is all going to go down, but we shall see who takes home the prize.

When it comes to the "gay cooking gene".... I don't have it. 

This 20 oz can was my measuring cup. I forgot I don't cook, and don't have measuring devices. 

A cup is 8 oz so I made it work. McGayer I am. Stay in school kids, because math comes in handy on the basic levels. Thank you Calculus class!

And these are my Saturday thoughts!

Like Snickerdoodles?

Happy Friday!

I have been thinking about something that I could collect for fun. I couldn't think of anything that I liked enough, so I came up with a different plan.

I am going to find the Best Snickerdoodle in the World. When I see a Snickerdoodle being sold on a menu, I will partake. (Not mass produced brands.) My journey to find greatness!

What will you go find the Best of...?

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING???

Let me just say that I am NOT a clock watcher. I work all day, and I get all my shit done, and then some. 

Right now I am so tired. 

I have an event tonight, for work, and it is 5:00 PM, and I still have between 4-5 hours left. 

Really? I ask you. Really?

This is me venting a bit, and I wonder if anyone else ever finds themselves doing something, or being stuck in a situation, and you ask yourself, 

"What the hell am I doing with my life?"

I am having one of those moments. Any advice?

WHY? WHO? WHAT DO I BELIEVE?

Lately I have been thinking about the "Big Questions." I am NOT religious, and I am not really spiritual, so I am more in the "I don't have the answers" category. 

Why are we here? What created all of this? How did it all happen?

I can comprehend that we are on Earth. I understand evolution. I understand all of the planets and all of that.

What I don't get is what happened to create all of this? If everything was once like a blank piece of paper, who flipped the switch? What happened? If someone flipped the switch...who create them? 

Is this outside of our comprehension? 

Thoughts...?

This Fagget Needs A Baguette! Day 2 No Carbs!

It is Day 2 and I am ready to kill a Baker for a dinner roll! Hell, I would even take one of those sweet "Hawaiian" Rolls that come in a pack of a dozen. Ok. Alright. It's not that bad, but I do enjoy a carb once in a while, so no carbs is pissing me off.

 A gal does what she needs to do to keep the waistline.

Now I need to up the cardio and we are good to go. I want to put on the Ritz, so I am making this happen.

Check back to see if I am going completely off my rocker. 

Eat a bagel for me! Peace!

Too Tired To Write!

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

I am tired, and I want to take a nap. How am I working on a 3-day weekend?

Today I am too tired to write, but tomorrow, I will be up and ready to go. 

Happy Veteran's Day!

RANDOM SUNDAY!

I have been doing a lot of lawn work this weekend, so I have not found the time to blog until now.

I love this pic. I think that this would be a fun way to give a cash gift. FYI for anyone wanting to wrap me up some cash. 

When I do lawn work, I get very random. You know you love it!

Have a great Sunday! For those of you who have a 3-day weekend, I do not, have a great Veteran's Day!

FRIDAY FUN DAY!

Have an amazing Friday!

Now that all of the election business is done, we can have a relaxing and friendly weekend.

Live it up. Relax. Do your thing!

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME ... COLBS WILL BE BACK!

This songs speaks to me, and it reminds me that there is more to me then what I allow to come out. So, let's see what I am truly made of.

So, let's see.

If you haven't watch the movie, watch Cher in this video of the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOU0mvP-Xvs

The lyrics are great:

Feeling broken 

Barely holding on

But just there's something so strong Somewhere inside me. 

And I am down, but I'll get up again. 

Don't count me out just yet 

I've been brought down to my knees 

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking, 

But I can take it. 

I'll be back - Back on my feet This is far from over 

You haven't seen the last of me. 

You haven't seen the last of me. 

They can Say that I won't stay around 

But I'm gonna stand my ground 

You're not gonna stop me. 

You don't know me, you don't know who I am. 

Don't count me out so fast 

I've been brought down to my knees 

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking, But I can take it. 

I'll be back - Back on my feet 

This is far from over 

You haven't seen the last of me.
There will be no fade-out 

This is not the end I'm down now 

But I'll be standing tall again. 

Times are hard but I was built tough. 

I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.
I've been brought down to my knees 

I've been pushed way past the point of breaking, But I can take it. 

I'll be back - Back on my feet This is far from over
I AM FAR FROM OVER
You haven't seen the last of me.
No, no, I'm not going nowhere 

I'm staying right here 

Oh, no you won't see me fade out 

I'm not taking my bow 

Can't stop me. Its not the end 

You haven't seen the last of me

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN ... AND THE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT!

Election Results

Candidate	Popular vote	Percentage	Electoral votes (270 to win)
Barack Obama	59680483	50%	303
Mitt Romney	57058176	48%	206

The people have spoken and President Obama has won. It is what I wanted, and what half of the country wanted. It was a close race, but it seemed like a quick win.

Instead of Republicans complaining, crying and damning him already ... how about we all work for the greater good? How about both sides come together to help repair this country? As long as one side stops the other, no president can get things done. We watched CNN and NBC last night, but for a laugh we turned on Fox News. On the screen they advertised a projected "win" for Obama, but the man speaking (who was Republican) was attacking him, and stating that the House (which Republicans have control of) will not support the President's plans. 

We don't know what all of the plans are, and they are already angry and not wanting to support what the man comes up with! Take a breath and come in fresh on day one. How about we all support him until we have reason to argue? Let the man do his job, instead of planning ways to stop him at the gate!

To all of the Mitt Romney voters ... Better luck next time. Two candidates in a row that the Republicans have offered up, have not been great. Don't blame Obama or Democrats, because you should blame the Republican Party. Find qualified, honest, open minded, and charismatic leadership, and then maybe you have a shot. Oh, and tell them to not pick morons for running mates. If Palin and Ryan have taught us nothing else, they have taught us that the President needs a running mate that is not a joke.

The last thing I will say about Romney/Ryan ... even the states, where they now hold offices, didn't vote for them. Both states voted Obama, so that says something. Maybe those states see what those men can do, and they didn't want to vote for either again. Hard to argue the facts. 

Well, moving forward and hoping we can all come together. 

Ready To Vote!

My Sample Ballot is ready to go, and so am I.

Tonight I will be visiting with friends as we watch the results come in. 

Get out there people and make your vote count!

Remember To Vote Tomorrow!

Remember to vote tomorrow!

Every vote counts...

I AM A SURVIVOR OF RAPE & HERE'S WHY I AM TELLING MY STORY.

We have heard a lot of ignorant and ridiculous statements made by MALE politicians concerning RAPE. Seeing this (above), I am reminded of all of the stupidity in the world, and I cannot imagine why any female or male voter would put faith in any politician who would make such claims, and support laws that would dictate what another HUMAN BEING can or cannot do with her body, especially after being violated in such a horrible and private way.

Let me spell it out for you ... RAPE is RAPE. Anyone, with half a brain, can tell you that. 

The reality that this country may elect a man who has ridiculous beliefs about rape and abortion, scares me, so I am speaking to the those who cannot see these men for what they are. Mitt Romney and the others on the list above do not have the abilities to be compassionate and rational leaders. True colors have been presented, and we can see that these men do not care about the citizens of this country, but only care about pleasing those with the same narrow minded views. 

I am not going to get into the whole abortion debate, but I will say that, where rape is concerned, I have something to say.

I have been open about many things in my life, but I have never fully told my story to anyone, nor could I. My story didn't result in a pregnancy, because that is not possible, but if these men had experienced "LEGITIMATE RAPE," which all RAPE is, like I did, they wouldn't be coming up with such ridiculous statements, and telling women what they cannot do with their bodies and lives. They would understand the violation of rape on all levels.  

I was 18 years old, and I had been in college for two weeks, when I walked alone one night from one side of campus to the other. I was so excited to be in Seattle, and to be attending the one university that I had wanted to attend since I was in 4th grade.

Let me say that I am from a small town, and, in my mind, certain things didn't happen to guys. I had specific ideas about gender roles, and that pertained to rape as well. 

That night I was walking home after a fun evening visiting the new friends that I had made. I was so happy. I remember being excited about getting back to Lander Hall to see my other new friends on the 6th floor. I remember wanting to tell Lisa, Mary, Emily and other freshmen friends about eating on the north side of campus, and how we should go up there some time. I remember where I was, the misty air of Seattle, how dark the path was, and the sounds of the city around the University District. It was so different from Goldendale, Washington. 

I remember the feeling of shock when a man came out of no where and put his arm around me. He held on so tight, and he smelled of alcohol. I could tell that he was not a student, so I tried to laugh off the drunk without escalating the situation. I tried to get out from his grip, but before I could, I was hit from the right side by another man. 

He knocked me off my feet and I hit the ground hard. I was face down on the grass and I remember trying to fight my way out from under them. I remember trying to hit at them, but I was held down. It was all happening so fast. I remember the grass was wet and cold, and I remember one of the men kept sputtering, "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up." Then the other man, who had hit me, said the words that I can still hear, "Fuckin' shut up, or I'll bash your fuckin' head." I still tried to move, but I couldn't. I am not going to get into more detail, because it really is too much to retell, but many more things were said and done as time went on for what seemed like an hour. I know it was not that long, but at one point I shut down. I had failed to be a man and protect myself, which is what I told myself later. 

I remember I thought about my parents, because I wanted them with me, because that meant I was safe. Later I felt so silly to think that, but it was the place I went to, because that is what I knew as safety. I can still remember the fear, the pain, the embarrassment, and the confusion. Why was it happening? Where they going to kill me?

Before it was over, I looked to my left, and there was a woman there. I remember noticing that she was not paying attention, and wasn't quite right. After they left me, she walked away with them. It wasn't until later that I thought, "How could a woman stand there and let that happen to me?" She was most likely drunk or on drugs, but I still found it confusing. I realized that humans can be cruel, no matter if they are male or female.

I remember laying there, and it didn't feel real. They left me there as they laughed and stumbled over to her. They walked away, but I didn't try to see which way they went. It was over, and that was all that mattered. I was alone.

I remember having to think about what I needed to do next. I remember saying to myself, "Get up." I remember thinking through what I had to do, and that I needed to get home. As I pulled myself together, I noticed that 30 feet away there was one of those blue lights that were for emergencies. A very sick joke.

I walked home, and for 2 years I didn't say a word. I buried it, because I couldn't face the embarrassment. I put on a smile and forgot. I was "lucky" that there was no permanent physical damage, but I would never be the same 18 year old boy that saw everything new and fresh. Those strangers tainted my future. I was never afraid of something like that happening again, because I didn't feel in the same way. The days that followed were the hardest, but I moved on. I can still remember all that was said and done, so that is why those comments made by politicians, above, make me so angry. 

I understand how a woman who has been raped might find herself looking into a mirror, and not seeing the person she remembered. You want to forget, and you want to not feel their touch and their threats, and their dismissal as they walked away. I know how it is to blame yourself, for whatever twisted reason. 

But, I can only empathize with a woman who also finds herself pregnant after such an act. Rape is not part of "God's Plan," and all rape is a violation. It kills part of you, so telling a woman that she can't make a choice about the pregnancy that resulted from the pain and humiliation that only she had to bare, is not for anyone to determine, but her. She is the one who lives with the scares, and the decision. 

So, when you vote, please remember that the President, whomever we elect, is going to lead us, and do we want a man who believes he has the right to tell a woman what to do with her body? Do we want a man who believes that not all people deserve the same Human Rights?

To me the choice is clear. Please think it over before you vote on Tuesday. Look at the big picture, and not just about the issues that pertain to you alone. The man we elect will shape this country and future, and I hope that the future is a place where we feel safe, valued, and moving towards amazing opportunities as a country. 

Think about the young woman who has been raped, and now has to make a choice that is her's and her's alone. Let her have the right to choose and elect the man who will allow her to do what she feels she needs to do.

WHEN DID I KNOW I WAS GAY? WHY WASN'T I LIKE FLETCHER AND BRAD?

When did I know I was gay?

Well, when I was 12ish I remember being drawn to River Phoenix in "Stand By Me." I discovered the movie like 5 years after it came out, and I remember "wanting to be more like him."

I knew that I "liked him" more than my friends Fletcher and Brad would like him. I didn't know how to classify the feelings, so "being gay" wasn't in my vernacular.

After a few years and repeated attractions, I got what it all meant. I was gay. Watching River in "My Own Private Idaho" years later confirmed my realization.

So I figured it out around the same time other boys were realizing girls were something that they wanted to pursue. I know I was born this way, because my path into sexual awakening always focused on guys. The same ways my friends day dreamt, jacked off to, wet dreamed about Alyssa Milano (Sorry Alyssa) or Topanga from "Boy Meets World", I thought about River and other guys. It wasn't a choice, because it was feelings that were part of my make up.

I am gay, and that's how it was meant to be the day I was born, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Gay men and women are amazing, and have traits and abilities that most straight people don't have, and the reverse, but I love it.

There is nothing better then a truly fun all nighter out at a gay bar with friends.

Was the path to come out easy? That is something else all together...

HAPPY FRIDAY! REMEMBER TO VOTE!

Good Morning!

After a busy day yesterday, and a late night at work...I skipped blogging. Shame! Shame on you Colby. 

All I have to say, before we hit the weekend (Happy Friday), is November 6th is coming, so remember to vote!

Fine out where you need to go, take appropriate ID, and get out there.

Have a great Friday!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! (Celebrate, because tomorrow we welcome Thanksgiving!)

Have a festive and fun Halloween!

Whether you are trick-or-treating, partying at your friend's house, hitting a carnival, or hanging at the bar...have a great night!

Be safe!

Tomorrow we welcome Thanksgiving, so soak today's holiday up!

TO GIVE A BEAT DOWN OR NOT GIVE A BEAT DOWN?

So, I missed blogging yesterday, but in my defense my head ache and work load were not getting along.

So, here is a question for you all, but let me set it up first.

Last night, from about 11:45 PM to 2 AM I, and my neighbors, had the privilege to listen to a crazy home-challenged man yell continuously. He took very brief breaks, because he is only human. 

So, I laid awake, and could not get to sleep. I am not going to lie, I wanted to yell out the window "Shut the *bleep* up," but let's be real, he wouldn't have stopped. I also feared that, like the zombies on "Walking Dead," it would attract him to come find me.

So, the question is, what do you do? Do you just cover your ears? Do you call the non-emergency number and report it?

What would you have done after 2 hours has annoying serenade?