A universal topic that brings out all of
the differing opinions from just about anyone you ask is the subject of love.
Even those who won’t discuss religion or politics will weigh in on how one
needs to go about finding a relationship. How do I find love? Where do I go to
meet Mr. Right? Is there such a thing as a Mr. Right? The questions go on and
on, and every matchmaker, yenta, grandmother, mother and auntie out there has
an opinion on the subject, and each one of them is a self-proclaimed expert. I
have met many of these ladies, and they are passionate about the subject of
love. Many of them are also controlling bitches. (I’m just saying. Sorry, Auntie.)
Oprah has aired entire episodes on the
differences between the sexes. (Of course
she has, because we’ve all seen how well it has gone with Gail … I mean,
Stedman.) Patti “The Matchmaker” Stanger speaks about the differences
all of the time on her reality show. Dr. Ruth, Dear Abby, Dr. Phil and many
other old ladies speak about and give advice on romance, marriage, sex and
finding the perfect partner. Now, this young lady is going to weigh in on the
subject and address the different types of men that are out there in the dating
world. It truly is a jungle out there people, so you have to learn how to
maneuver around in it like you are in f*ckin’ “Avatar.”
Here is a question I have wrestled with personally:
“Does one true love even exist?”
I, like many lonely ladies reading this (stroking
their cats and eating rolls of cookie dough), wanted to believe that
there was such a thing as a “perfect” match for each of us. If I didn’t, I
would have to admit that I have been putting out for no reason … many times. (Many, many times.) To defend myself
and my actions, Patti Stanger always talks about how men are attracted first
physically (aka think with their dicks),
so I was just being strategic by putting out. With women you stroke their
minds, and with men you stroke their … you get the point. (I still say I am a … lady?) So, yes,
I wish there was one perfect match for us all, but I have decided to be
realistic, because I think there are many possible matches for each one of us.
Like Forrest Gump says, “Life is like a box of chocolates …” and if this is
true, my dating life better be Godiva and not f*ckin’ Russell Stover. (You know the brand I am talking about. You
see it at Rite Aid with some damn Snoopy toy holding the cheap box of
chocolates.) My box has been opened up and I have partaken in the
caramels, the creams, the nuts and I still have many to go. Okaaay?
While searching for one of these amazing
matches, through-out your dating career you will inevitably encounter the
various types of duds that dating world has to offer. I can only speak about
dating men because I am not as familiar with the types and classifications of
ladies in the dating world. I do know that some would fall into the “slut” and
“gold-digger” categories. I am sorry to all of the lesbian and straight men out
there for my limited knowledge of women, but read on to make sure you,
yourselves, know what category you fall into.
After years of dating, or research, if
you will, I have tagged and studied many men. I have communicated with, sampled
and measured all of these men. (Like
f*ckin’ Gorillas in the Mist.) I have dedicated my young life to
science. I have taken many for the team, so that I could pass on my knowledge.
What you are about to read, I hope, will enlighten you and will help you to
avoid the man I classify as the undatable. Are the dramatics necessary? Hellz
ya! (Bitch knows how to entertain.)
The five types of men in the dating
world are (could a bitch get a drum
roll please): The Player, The Douchebag, The Puppy Dog, The Chameleon
and The Unicorn. I know that as many of you read this, you will look back and
realize you have sampled some of these types as well along your way. Let me
dive in and shed some light on the variations.
To Be Continued...
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